Take Me to "The Wilhelmenia". No, Because You're 35, Ugly, and have a Bad Attitude.

Wednesday, 10:07. The Boyfriend’s Sister’s Brooklyn Apartment.

Wow. So a friend of mine runs a PR company that I helped establish (do the webdesign, help out with marketing, etc) that is targeted towards actors. The amount of money they charge is a pittance compared to any of the other PR companies in town (100 bucks, 200 bucks, compared to the thousands upon f-ing thousands demanded — and rightfully so — by 42West, Workhouse, etc).
Ashley

Oh sweet jesus. You know how sometimes when you drink several Guinness after a forcibly watched women’s UCONN Basketball game — you might unintentionally slip into a state of vegetable and randomly Google yourself?
I’m hardly ever surprised anymore (between the nation of Ghana publicly hating me after Miss Teen Universe ’03 and a having a porn star with a very similar Google name) … but today I found something I actually wasn’t aware of.
Enter my sixteen year old self getting brought in to audition for a TV show — booking it — having the old host suddenly get fired — and suddenly being thrown into an IndyCar Series race 24 hours later to interview (and er, eat cheesecake with and… er, eventually date) Indy500 winner Dan Wheldon, Danica Patrick, and Tony Kanaan. Makes me miss the lack of pores and fabulous hair extensions of the younger years.
Enjoy.

- Making coffee
- Sex
- Petting my hair when I eat MSG.
- Fighting with gigantic bouncers when I get drunk and belligerant and insult them
- Kissing
- Telling me when my outfits look like Star Wars
- Insulting people I don’t like by sending them singing telegrams
- Proof reading my It’ll-Make-Me-Feel-Better I HATE YOU, DUMBASS!! emails to clients / employees / etc.
- Sexy stuff.
- Pretending to be my assistant when I’m actively avoiding creditors

Okay. I have two INSANE, can’t-sit-still-for-desire-to-vomit and/or sprint out of the ROOM while glaring at you — absolutely unresolvable pet peeves.
One is the general concept of chewing. I have to actually restrain myself from physically maiming someone — even The Hot Boyfriend — when someone decides to, you know, stand over you, sit directly next to you, get within about six feet of you and stand there blankly staring at the wall doing nothing for society and CHEWING. Munching. Grinding their stupid teeth on whatever piece of lard they happen to have immediate access to and having that SOUND reverberate in your EARLOBE.
My second biggest pet peeve isn’t ridiculously off-base from the first… but deals with individuals who also STAND OVER YOU either staring at THE AFOREMENTIONED WALL or talking TO A SIBLING while eating something large and fluffy that takes forever to consume and generally fills the oral cavity almost completely. Then they proceed to converse. Nonono… not only converse, but continue on nonsensically for HALF AN HOUR while you are attempting to work and potentially do something productive instead of talking with your mouth insanely full of Costco-sized marshmallows or a loaf of bread or last week’s homogenized LASAGNA.
Face Stuffer: “You didn’t even (stuff face, stuff stuff) recognize Jeremy, did you?”
Sibling: “He’s taller. He looks angry to me.”
Face Stuffer: “Yes (stuff stuff) he’s got (stuff) a (stuff) bad (stuff stuff stuff) attitude”
Sibling: “Maybe deep down he’s like, I Don’t Wanna be a Christian. I Don’t Wanna be a Carpenter”.
Face Stuffer: “Maybe he’s like (BIG STUFF) oh shit.”
…
I desperately need coffee.
– Ashley
Well if this one goes down, I’m screwed.

AshleyFlies.com – A Blog of Toils, Travel, and Vehement Hate of DELTA.









