Random Fan-mail is the Best – Unless Someone is Trying to Voodoo You.

Random fan letters are the best. I recently received (via my manager, as I try to keep my personal-personal email hidden from the world, stalkers, and Bill Clinton at all costs) a letter from a Mr. Thomas:

Hi Ms. Bluestone,

I am very sorry to take up your time.  I am a big fan of Ms. Avis and think she is such a beautiful actress!  Could you please let me know how I could obtain an autograph picture of Ms. Avis.  Does she have a fan mail address that I could mail a self-addressed stamped envelope to?  I truly appreciate any help that you could provide.  Thank you so much for your time!

Aloha,
John Thomas

Now, my first instinct is to be insanely flattered and send this John Thomas a fruit basket. However, the inner cynic in me has a few questions first:

1. How and why are you a fan?
2. What have I done that deserves any accolades, really?
3. If it is accolade-relevant, what are you a fan of?
   – My writing and firing from Nielsen?
   – The borderline interesting indie film work?
   – The Miss Teen Universe pageant at sixteen by which I walked the runway [in a rhinestoned bikini] with an accidentally self-induced concussion?
4. Why is your name the most stereotypical thing on the planet besides Bob Smith, and CLEARLY not Hawaiian?

Perhaps John really is a random cult-like groupie (and, trust me, I’d love to have a gaggle of random cult-like groupies who want my signed headshot), but I just can’t seem to shake that this email is written stylistically similar to those “You’ve inherited 430 million dollars from an estranged uncle, so please send a mere $1,000 via Western Union to Africa to claim it…” emails from third world country scam artists.

Then again, what is my signed headshot worth… really? Perhaps this really is a fan. Named John Thomas.  Who was adopted by an American family who’s simply crazy about free healthcare.  Or perhaps it’s one of my maniacal webdesign clients, who’s just Amazon.com’ed a book on voodoo.

Regardless, signing one of my freakin’ headshots, here we come.

– Ashley