I Vomited Next to You in 4th Grade, But…
2010 February 24
I love it when random people you haven’t seen, heard of, or spoken to since the FOURTH GRADE suddenly get bored one day and Facebook stalk you.
Within the course of twenty five minutes, they’ve suddenly friend-requested, messaged, and subsequently IMed you (I would like to spit venom at the person who developed the IM capability of Facebook, by the way — more access to me when I just want to drink wine and eat cookies? Leave me alone!)
This happens to me this evening. I’m enjoying exactly the aforementioned delights — WINE and COOKIES. I get the annoying “tock!” sound, like someone popping a finger in their cheek or whacking a small hammer against a block of slightly damp wood:
“Hi Ashley!”
A message from Frank Trundlemuffin*. My boyfriend from (literally) the FOURTH GRADE. We both went to Catholic School together. I remember holding hands during mass one day after school — then throwing up in a pew.
Vomit-induced memories aside… WHY are you contacting me NOW?
We begin chatting, and I grow more and more frustrated that my attempt to watch The Dutchess is being foiled by having to answer random questions from someone — not to be mean — but someone that exactly doesn’t catch any light in the facets of my existence anymore.
I answer politely, concisely, and attempt to end the conversation. I contemplate signing out of Facebook. But Frank seems far too excited to be chatting about Life together. He asks about my parents. I “ask” about his. I watch more Dutchess, grinding my Ginger Snap with increasing irritation.
FINALLY — after a long inquisition (paralleling my observation that Kira Knightly has a serious underbite) as to what I’m doing with my life (answer: not stalking people I used to trade “Do You Like Me, Check Yes or No” notes to, but that’s just me). People with too much time on their hands, man. Or perhaps I’m just way too cynical. Probably both.
Time for more wine. Goodnight!
– Ashley
One Response
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I love you. Hahaha. I can’t believe that I have been missing your rants for nearly 5 years!!! I’ve been in withdrawal and didn’t even know it!
(btw, love that you have spell check in your blog comment space)