DON'T CRUNCH YOUR LARD IN MY EARLOBE.

Okay.  I have two INSANE, can’t-sit-still-for-desire-to-vomit and/or sprint out of the ROOM while glaring at you — absolutely unresolvable pet peeves.

One is the general concept of chewing.  I have to actually restrain myself from physically maiming someone — even The Hot Boyfriend — when someone decides to, you know, stand over you, sit directly next to you, get within about six feet of you and stand there blankly staring at the wall doing nothing for society and CHEWING.  Munching.  Grinding their stupid teeth on whatever piece of lard they happen to have immediate access to and having that SOUND reverberate in your EARLOBE.

My second biggest pet peeve isn’t ridiculously off-base from the first… but deals with individuals who also STAND OVER YOU either staring at THE AFOREMENTIONED WALL or talking TO A SIBLING while eating something large and fluffy that takes forever to consume and generally fills the oral cavity almost completely.  Then they proceed to converse.  Nonono… not only converse, but continue on nonsensically for HALF AN HOUR while you are attempting to work and potentially do something productive instead of talking with your mouth insanely full of Costco-sized marshmallows or a loaf of bread or last week’s homogenized LASAGNA.

Face Stuffer: “You didn’t even (stuff face, stuff stuff) recognize Jeremy, did you?”

Sibling: “He’s taller.  He looks angry to me.”

Face Stuffer: “Yes (stuff stuff) he’s got (stuff) a (stuff) bad (stuff stuff stuff) attitude”

Sibling: “Maybe deep down he’s like, I Don’t Wanna be a Christian.  I Don’t Wanna be a Carpenter”.

Face Stuffer: “Maybe he’s like (BIG STUFF) oh shit.”

…

I desperately need coffee.

– Ashley